Back to School

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Vacation is over and it's now time for our kids to go back to school. I am pretty sure that by now you are thinking about how you can afford to pay the tuition, transportation and food for your school kids. Me, I shudder at the thought. You see I have been the only one paying for my daughter's school tuition since nursery. She's supposed to graduate High School next year but K to 12 came in the picture. So that is 2 more extra tuition payment for me. The problem is, I live paycheck to paycheck. I don't have those emergency money that I can withdraw from if push comes to shove. I don't have extra cash on hand and I don't have the budget for anything. 

This is the dilemma that most solo parents have. What do we do? Well, we just pray and hope that when the next payment is due, we will have the money to pay for it. I am not here to lecture you about saving for the rainy days. I am here to tell you that these things happen. No matter how much you are willing to save, there will always be something you need to buy. Most articles about saving money is only for those who have money to save. It is not for us who just don't have the extra cash. 

But there is still hope. We can do this. We just have to be more careful in our purchases and if possible, buy only when absolutely needed and if on sale. Good luck and let me know how you get by.

Much love,

The Only Parent (TOP)

Suitors!

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Calm down folks. We will not be talking about me here. This is for solo moms with daughters. How do you deal with it? Well, I have experienced it and my decision was questioned BUT I think I had the last laugh. You see, it is inevitable that our daughters will be courted. However, you have to be firm when you set the rules I believe that 15 is too young so 35 is the right age. LOL! I am just joking. Us parents should decide early on the age our daughters can be courted. Then let your daughter know and be firm about it. There may be bumps along the way but I am pretty sure that you can decide what's best for her.

Much love,

The Only Parent (TOP)

Happy Father's Day MOM!

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Today I honor all solo moms and only parent to their children. With the enormous task of juggling your role to be both the dad and mom to your children, you have given them the greatest gift of all - LOVE. Continue to be great and continue to love your children twice as much as others! Your children truly have the best of both worlds. 

Happy Father's day Mom!

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Being Honest

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I believe that being honest with our kids is the best way to raise them. As I have mentioned before, I have been very vocal and honest with my daughter regarding her dad, the circumstances that led to our separation and how I felt about it. Just the other night, we had another story session in the car while traveling home from a party. This time around, I told her some of our family's secrets. Although she is only 14 year old, I know that she can understand well and it won't her in any way. 

Many of you may disagree with me but the truth is, I felt it was time to tell her the truth and at the same time, teach her some lessons regarding the mistakes we made in the past. Our 1 hour ride proved to be a great time to let her know our family better. She was curious and careful with her questions. I tried to explain the best possible way that I know she can understand. It was really worth the ride. 

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Child Support

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I know that every solo parent has their own opinion about this but I will still share my view on this matter. My blog is The Only Parent meaning I don't receive anything from the father for her daughter. I don't get child support.. I know I have the right to ask but I don't want to. Why? Because I believe that if the father is in his right mind, I don't need to ask. Simple as that. Asking is like begging someone to do something they don't want to. I may not afford everything my daughter needs but I will never ever ask for support from her dad ever. You might think that because I have only one child, I can afford not to ask for child support. Well, that is partially true. If I have 3 or 4 children, I may think about it BUT if I can, I will still not ask.

I believe that child support should be given without you needing to ask and without you having to file a case. Child support is a must. Fathers who take their children seriously should know that it is their responsibility to give their child the support they need in whatever kind. If they can't support their children, then they have no right to be included in their children's lives. 

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

My Child, My Rules

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Never ever let anyone tell you how to raise your own kids. This is what I learned for the past 14 years of being the only parent to my daughter. Notice how people always have an opinion on how you handle and raise your kids? They are quick to criticize and talk about what you are doing wrong. Guess what?! They don't have perfect children! Their children are no better than yours. 

When I gave birth to my daughter, I always asked for help since I have no idea what I was doing. I listen to their tips but somehow I tend to not follow what they tell me. I don't know why but my "mother's instinct" kicked in as soon as I had her. I do everything my own way except for some things that I thought sounds realistic. When someone is quick to find fault, I prove them wrong and eventually no one tells me what to do anymore unless I ask.

As my daughter grew up, questions on how I raise my daughter often comes up. They would question my decisions on how I deal with her, how I "spoil" her, why I often let her do what she wants and why I almost always buy her what she wants if budget permits. Well, you can question all you want but please know that how I raise my child is of no consequence to you. If I did wrong, then I will suffer for it and learn more along the way. If I am right, then I am happy. Simple as that. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Needs and Wants

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Here is something that will make you think from time to time. When our children were little, it is us who decides the needs and the wants. As they grow older, they would sometime ask for things that they want. It may be the latest gadget, the fashionable clothes and the trendy bags. As the only parent, you may not be in the best position to give everything they need and want. But hey, don't be guilty about it. It is important that you try your best to give the needs and explain to your children the concept of want. Believe me when I say that they will understand as long as you explain them over and over again why they can't always have what they want. You can also use this time to teach them the concept of money - how you can earn, save and spend them. 

Make every problem solving situation a learning experience. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Friends?

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Can you be friends with your ex? If you asked me 5 years ago, I would have said no or even impossible. But as the years go by, and you have really moved on, you can actually be friends with you ex. You may never forget the reason why it didn't work but little by little, you can erase the hate and maybe, just maybe, you can forgive each other and be friends.

If you are fresh out of a failed relationship, you may not entertain this thought. I know how you feel. I won't even consider talking to my ex before. These things take time and you don't have to rush yourself. You can be civil at first then gradually when it doesn't hurt anymore, you can slowly be friends again. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Decisions for Life

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Making decisions regarding your child/children can be hard at times when you are the only parent. It can be a hit or miss thing but you have to be tough and decide according to your conscience. You will not be able to consult a significant other when the time comes but hey, if you are friends with the dad, go ahead and discuss things with him first before deciding. 

Me, I decide and tell the dad after. LOL! It may seem funny but I think that it is my right to decide for our daughter since I am the only one caring for her. I make the decisions and I just tell the dad if I want to. Otherwise, I am pretty much confident that I'll make the right ones for my daughter.

Much Love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

The Teenage Years

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The hardest part of being the only parent to your children is maintaining a balance in your relationship. Their is no good cop/bad cop here. It's either they love you or they hate you. My 14 year old daughter is now in a stage where she doesn't talk much. She spends her time mostly in front of her laptop watching videos, tweeting and updating all her social networking accounts. Most of the time, she will only talk to me when she needs something. So what do I do?

Nothing really. I let her be as long as she doesn't step out of boundaries. It is important to let her know when I can be a friend and when I am the mom. I am thankful that I had a daughter because if I had a boy, I wouldn't know what to do. In the meantime, all I have to do right now is to make sure that she knows her limits and I have to snoop once in a while just to check if everything is alright with her.

I wouldn't know if circumstances will be different if her father is a constant figure in her life. However, since he is not, then all I can do is to try my very best to be both the dad and the mom - plus the driver, the nanny at times and a friend...

Much love, 

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Glad to Have Let Go

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Another year have passed and my daughter just turned 14. So what did her dad do? Well, he grabbed photos from my FB account, posted it on his to greet his daughter a happy birthday. That's about it! Nothing really change from past years.

Should I be bitter about it? NO! A big NO! Why? Because it really don't matter to us now. The thing about being the only parent is that you don't need to rely on a partner to make your child happy. Your child or children on the other hand doesn't need a father to be loved. I am lucky because my daughter is surrounded by people who love her. I have my parents, my siblings and my friends who make sure that she gets lots of love and affection. And my daughter is lucky to have all of these.

So please, do not worry about your child's future even if a dad is not around. It will be hard at first but as time passes, you will be glad to have let go.


Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Enjoying the Holidays and other Occasions

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Okay. So there are occasions where a father present can make your child happy. Aside from the usual holidays like Christmas and New Year, you have to deal with Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, Graduation and Family Day in school. So what do you do? 

If you are on speaking terms with EX, you can tell him about these occasions. Normally, the school will give a calendar of activities the first month school starts. What I do is text EX all the dates that require parent participation. Then, I just let him decide if he wants to go or not. The most I can do is inform him lest he accuse me of not letting him be involve in his child's life. 

Now, if the father of your child is non-existent, make sure that you are present in all events and occasions where your presence is needed. You can bring grandparents, uncles, aunts and whoever your child sees often. This will make your child feel important and more secure during these times. When you are surrounded with family, there is no reason for you and your child to feel left out. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Family

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If you and your ex are not together, it doesn't mean that your child has no family. Please drill that into your mind and your child's mind everyday. A family is not the presence of a father and a mother. Family is when you are surrounded with people you love and loves you back. It is important to explain this to your child because when your child goes to school, it is most probable that he/she will be taught the concept of a family with the father, mother and siblings. We will not be able to contradict this once they are taught so it is advisable to explain this family thing with them before they go to school. They dynamics of a "family" is changing and it is up to you to face this head on and be the first one to embrace it. 

My daughter is not without a father because she still sees him from time to time. But the family she grew up with includes her grandparents, uncles and aunts, my friends who knew and took care of her since she was born and people who I became friends along the way. They more than make up for the fatherless situation that she is in right now. And the fact is, she is still normal. More than I can say for other families who cannot embrace being the only parent.

Much love, 

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Honesty is Still the Best Policy

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One thing I never did was to lie to my daughter about the true status of our relationship with his dad. Even when she was little and cannot seem to understand, I still told her the truth. It was a non-negotiable must do for me. However, even if I told her the truth, one thing I never did was to belittle her father. There is a thin line that separates the two so you must be very careful with your words. I will give you an example so you can better understand. 

Scenario: 

Dad doesn't give support and the reason for your separation is because of his womanizing. 

What you can tell your child: 

We separated because of a third party and his work doesn't pay much for him to support you and your needs.  

What you shouldn't tell your child:

Your dad is a womanizing s*** and he won't give a dime to support you. He doesn't care for you anymore.

See the difference? No matter what happened between you and your EX, the fact remains that your EX is still your child's dad. You cannot take that away and you should never do. It is for your child to judge when the right time comes. (but remember, it is also okay to burst with anger once in a while). The truth is you can never have a child if your EX does not exist right?!?

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

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