Back to School

Image Courtesy of www.southcotabatonews.com

Vacation is over and it's now time for our kids to go back to school. I am pretty sure that by now you are thinking about how you can afford to pay the tuition, transportation and food for your school kids. Me, I shudder at the thought. You see I have been the only one paying for my daughter's school tuition since nursery. She's supposed to graduate High School next year but K to 12 came in the picture. So that is 2 more extra tuition payment for me. The problem is, I live paycheck to paycheck. I don't have those emergency money that I can withdraw from if push comes to shove. I don't have extra cash on hand and I don't have the budget for anything. 

This is the dilemma that most solo parents have. What do we do? Well, we just pray and hope that when the next payment is due, we will have the money to pay for it. I am not here to lecture you about saving for the rainy days. I am here to tell you that these things happen. No matter how much you are willing to save, there will always be something you need to buy. Most articles about saving money is only for those who have money to save. It is not for us who just don't have the extra cash. 

But there is still hope. We can do this. We just have to be more careful in our purchases and if possible, buy only when absolutely needed and if on sale. Good luck and let me know how you get by.

Much love,

The Only Parent (TOP)

Happy Father's Day MOM!

Image courtesy of jolynnevalerie.blogspot.com

Today I honor all solo moms and only parent to their children. With the enormous task of juggling your role to be both the dad and mom to your children, you have given them the greatest gift of all - LOVE. Continue to be great and continue to love your children twice as much as others! Your children truly have the best of both worlds. 

Happy Father's day Mom!

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Child Support

Image courtesy of www.farzadlaw.com

I know that every solo parent has their own opinion about this but I will still share my view on this matter. My blog is The Only Parent meaning I don't receive anything from the father for her daughter. I don't get child support.. I know I have the right to ask but I don't want to. Why? Because I believe that if the father is in his right mind, I don't need to ask. Simple as that. Asking is like begging someone to do something they don't want to. I may not afford everything my daughter needs but I will never ever ask for support from her dad ever. You might think that because I have only one child, I can afford not to ask for child support. Well, that is partially true. If I have 3 or 4 children, I may think about it BUT if I can, I will still not ask.

I believe that child support should be given without you needing to ask and without you having to file a case. Child support is a must. Fathers who take their children seriously should know that it is their responsibility to give their child the support they need in whatever kind. If they can't support their children, then they have no right to be included in their children's lives. 

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

My Child, My Rules

Image Courtesy of www.wisieforkids.com

Never ever let anyone tell you how to raise your own kids. This is what I learned for the past 14 years of being the only parent to my daughter. Notice how people always have an opinion on how you handle and raise your kids? They are quick to criticize and talk about what you are doing wrong. Guess what?! They don't have perfect children! Their children are no better than yours. 

When I gave birth to my daughter, I always asked for help since I have no idea what I was doing. I listen to their tips but somehow I tend to not follow what they tell me. I don't know why but my "mother's instinct" kicked in as soon as I had her. I do everything my own way except for some things that I thought sounds realistic. When someone is quick to find fault, I prove them wrong and eventually no one tells me what to do anymore unless I ask.

As my daughter grew up, questions on how I raise my daughter often comes up. They would question my decisions on how I deal with her, how I "spoil" her, why I often let her do what she wants and why I almost always buy her what she wants if budget permits. Well, you can question all you want but please know that how I raise my child is of no consequence to you. If I did wrong, then I will suffer for it and learn more along the way. If I am right, then I am happy. Simple as that. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Friends?

Image courtesy of jmu.edu

Can you be friends with your ex? If you asked me 5 years ago, I would have said no or even impossible. But as the years go by, and you have really moved on, you can actually be friends with you ex. You may never forget the reason why it didn't work but little by little, you can erase the hate and maybe, just maybe, you can forgive each other and be friends.

If you are fresh out of a failed relationship, you may not entertain this thought. I know how you feel. I won't even consider talking to my ex before. These things take time and you don't have to rush yourself. You can be civil at first then gradually when it doesn't hurt anymore, you can slowly be friends again. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Past, Present and Future

Image courtesy of www.nichepursuits.com

By now, you should have let go of the past because we all know that we cannot do anything about it anymore. The present is more important as you want  to do the best that you can to nurture and bring up your child in a loving environment. While you are planning the things you have to do today, do not forget to plan ahead and make sure that the future of your children is secured. But how do we do that?

Right now, I am worried. Yes, you heard me right. I am worried for the future of my daughter. She is now in high school and every tuition payment day, I find myself worrying more and more. I am afraid that I would not be able to pay the school's tuition on time. This has been a constant worry that I have to endure every school year. Hearing that college tuition fees are more than double what I pay today, I am starting to get scared. My salary is still not enough for us to live comfortably and yet, everyday of my life, I worry about not being able to pay my bills and not having enough for life's necessities. 

Today is one of those days. My daughter is now in Grade 8 and 4 more years, she'll be in college. By that time, I should have at least saved for 2 years of college fees. Although I still don't know how I will do that, I'll stay positive and pray that when the time comes, I will be able to provide for my daughter's education...

Until then... I will just save and save and save...

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Decisions for Life

Image courtesy of www.caregiving.com

Making decisions regarding your child/children can be hard at times when you are the only parent. It can be a hit or miss thing but you have to be tough and decide according to your conscience. You will not be able to consult a significant other when the time comes but hey, if you are friends with the dad, go ahead and discuss things with him first before deciding. 

Me, I decide and tell the dad after. LOL! It may seem funny but I think that it is my right to decide for our daughter since I am the only one caring for her. I make the decisions and I just tell the dad if I want to. Otherwise, I am pretty much confident that I'll make the right ones for my daughter.

Much Love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Enjoying the Holidays and other Occasions

Image courtesy of www.wetooktheroadlesstraveled.com

Okay. So there are occasions where a father present can make your child happy. Aside from the usual holidays like Christmas and New Year, you have to deal with Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, Graduation and Family Day in school. So what do you do? 

If you are on speaking terms with EX, you can tell him about these occasions. Normally, the school will give a calendar of activities the first month school starts. What I do is text EX all the dates that require parent participation. Then, I just let him decide if he wants to go or not. The most I can do is inform him lest he accuse me of not letting him be involve in his child's life. 

Now, if the father of your child is non-existent, make sure that you are present in all events and occasions where your presence is needed. You can bring grandparents, uncles, aunts and whoever your child sees often. This will make your child feel important and more secure during these times. When you are surrounded with family, there is no reason for you and your child to feel left out. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Dealing with Almost In-Laws

Image courtesy of www.theknottybride.com

A bad relationship with your EX doesn't give you the right to snub the almost in-laws. Unless of course they treat you like shit! Almost in-laws can be your ally in anything. You should treat them like family. If they are treating you and your child well, there is no reason for you not to be friendly with them. 

I am lucky since my EX's family treat me like their own. They invite me and my daughter to reunions and other family events. EX's circle of friends are the same. They treat us like family and we are always invited in every party they have. It helps to be friends with them early on. The relationship I have with the almost in-laws and EX's circle of friends does not rely on my relationship with EX. Whether he is there during reunions or not, it does not define our presence. 

As long as the almost in-laws treat you well, treat them as family. You will be glad you did.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Children as Weapons

Photo courtesy of Funny Shades of Parenting

Stop using children as weapons! The message above says it all. Do not abuse your child by using them to get back at your ex. Do not use them as threats when you and your ex do not agree on things. It is never wise to make them your weapon to get what you want. Not even when you are hurting so much that your heart seems to be breaking piece by piece. 

It is not worth the anger and it is not worth the stress. No matter how old your child grew, do not use him/her to get back at your SD. When they can think on their own, they could decide if they want to be with you or with their dad. The wisest thing to do is to be honest to them and make them feel that they can still have a family even without their dad. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Knowing the Dad

Image courtesy of www.quotespictures.com

Not letting your children know their father is a no-no for me. A bad relationship with your EX does not justify letting your child grow not knowing their dad. Except of course if the father is the one who doesn't want to know his child. That is another story to deal with. 

Obviously I am not married. EX signed my daughter's birth certificate acknowledging the fact that he is the father. My daughter knows everything about her dad and I let her choose if she wants to go out with him or not (Fortunately, she doesn't). The dad on the other hand is also not keen on looking after her. He just ask about her from time to time and see her thrice a year the most. But life goes on for us. No hard feelings and the family ties are still there. 

So let me spell it out for you. Let your child choose once he/she is of age already. By 3 or 4 years old, a child can understand things already. You need not fear what might happen if they see their dad or what-not. There is no reason for you to bad mouth their father, no reason to not let them know their father and no reason for you to let their father be a dad to your child. BUT if the father don't want to know their children, please don't force the issue. It will not be worth it. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Honesty is Still the Best Policy

Photo courtesy of www.endlessquotes.com

One thing I never did was to lie to my daughter about the true status of our relationship with his dad. Even when she was little and cannot seem to understand, I still told her the truth. It was a non-negotiable must do for me. However, even if I told her the truth, one thing I never did was to belittle her father. There is a thin line that separates the two so you must be very careful with your words. I will give you an example so you can better understand. 

Scenario: 

Dad doesn't give support and the reason for your separation is because of his womanizing. 

What you can tell your child: 

We separated because of a third party and his work doesn't pay much for him to support you and your needs.  

What you shouldn't tell your child:

Your dad is a womanizing s*** and he won't give a dime to support you. He doesn't care for you anymore.

See the difference? No matter what happened between you and your EX, the fact remains that your EX is still your child's dad. You cannot take that away and you should never do. It is for your child to judge when the right time comes. (but remember, it is also okay to burst with anger once in a while). The truth is you can never have a child if your EX does not exist right?!?

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

twitter: @theonlyparent4u

Dealing with School Children

Photo courtesy of www.pinterest.com

Now that we are done with the issue on surnames, we now tackle the issue on schooling. Here is the thing - please don't beg for financial support from your EX. If your EX is really a good dad, he already knows what he should do. If he doesn't do anything, it is telling you that he really don't want to be a dad to his child. Don't stoop down to his level and beg. Please don't...

If you cannot afford to enroll your child in a reputable, expensive school, then go for a school that you can.afford. There is no need to go high and mighty and enroll them in a school which will give you headaches when tuition time comes. You need to be realistic and carefully choose the right school. There are a lot of things you need to consider. What you can do is list down the schools closest to where you live. Then you need to know who will bring your child to school and who will fetch him/her after. Then consider the tuition fee.

Another important thing to consider are school activities. This is important because you want to be there for programs, PTCs, sports fest and others. Save your office SL's and VL's for these events. I work for a small company where leaves are non existent so what I did during the hiring process is to tell them straight that I have to take a leave every time I am needed at my daughter's school. It was the only request I made when I accepted the job. It was really non-negotiable for me because I know that I am the only one who can attend the activities.

In school, you will meet a lot of co-parents. Don't be embarrass to say that you are the only parent involved in the life of your child. Your situation doesn't define you as a person. And the truth is, they wouldn't really care if they want to be friends with you. In fact, you should be proud because you can bring up your child all on your own. Here's a little secret - a number of parents you see have bigger problems to deal with compared to you. :) Most are separated and are together just for the show.

In summary, DON'T beg, DON'T pick a school you can't afford, DON'T be embarrassed with your situation.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Surnames

Photo courtesy of www.quotehd.com

One of the most common question I hear is "What surname should my child use?" The truth is, it doesn't really matter. Using your surname is fine. Using the EX's surname is fine too. Please don't believe that a child without his dad's surname is shameful. IT IS NOT! There are a lot of students with married parents who are separated or are just living in a hateful relationship. The most important thing is that your child is living in a peaceful and loving environment. A child can grow up secured knowing that he/she has a family behind him/her. It can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and godparents. Surnames are just for formality. It is better for a child to have a name backed by love and support rather than a name which would mean nothing to him all his life. 

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Moving On

Image courtesy of www.searchquotes.com

Moving on is the hardest part when dealing with a failed relationship. There are three stages where the relationship with your EX can end - confirmation of the pregnancy, during the pregnancy and after giving birth. Mine came 2 years after giving birth. All these stages albeit can trigger different feelings will end the same - you are left to be the only parent. And that is what you should be ready for. 

My failed relationship was doomed from the start. It was what you call Love is (really) Blind. You know that it is not the right kind of relationship but you just want to be in it. Two years after giving birth, I finally gave up. I packed our bags and left. The next six months was a roller coaster ride. It was emotionally exhausting. But come to think of it, the time we had a relationship was even worse for me emotionally. It was a draining experience that I would never, ever want to go through again. It is without a doubt the most depressing stage in my life. So how did I move on? I just did! I let myself go through the process of healing. This is the most important stage to be able to get up again and move on;. You have to let yourself heal by going through the difficult process of crying, feeling awful, hoping, and finally giving up. 

It can be difficult especially at night when sleep is hard to come by. Books were my escape. I dig through all the books I had before and read every night until I fall asleep. I did this for 6 long months until 1 day, I felt good and was ready to move on. But don't get frustrated if it takes you longer. We are designed differently and I cannot tell you how long your healing process will be. All you need to do is take one day at a time until finally you will be able to move on and the hurting stops. 

Much love, 

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Life Goes On

Image courtesy of queenpinmama.blogspot.com

When you are pregnant and a life with your sperm donor (SD) is looking bleak, there is a good chance that you will be scared for you and your child's future. I AGREE! It is definitely a concern to all those who are left alone pregnant blues and all. I, too, felt that way during my pregnancy and even after giving birth. You want to work things out with your SD so you can have a happy family. I tried that too but failed. You see, I am not a domesticated person. Never been on and will never be. During those times I have to live with my ex after giving birth, I tried house cleaning, laundry, ironing, mopping and even cooking. I haven't done these things all my 25 years of existence during that time but I tried. I really, really tried. But these things are not supposed to happen. I changed for what I thought was for the better but when a person doesn't really love you, all the time and effort you are giving will not be worth it. So SHIT HAPPENS, so what do you do then?

Me? I left! Yes I left. I don't see our future with him so I left. We were not married and I have the luxury to just pack up and leave. Come to think of it, even if we were married, I would have done the same thing. I would just leave if we were not on the same maturity level. Being in love at that time clouded my better judgement. I went crazy for a while there but all the craziness stopped once I knew that it was not the life I wanted for me and my daughter. 

So why am I saying all these? Because I want you to know that it is okay to give up. If you are currently in a situation where you are undecided, please know that if you want to leave, just do it. Everything will work out just fine. Don't suffer with the pain. Let it all go and one day, you will just look back and say - I'm glad I left!.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Follow me on twitter : @TheOnlyParent4U

The Only Parent

I have been the only parent for the past 12 years to my soon-to-be 14 year old daughter. I used to call myself a single mom but an article i chanced upon made me realize that the "better" term for me is The Only Parent.

Being the only parent means that I do not share any responsibility with the father of my child. I am the only one who chooses, decides and plans for my daughter's life and I am the only one who satisfies her wants and needs. The father is around but is not being a dad to our daughter. I must admit that this is a difficult life to live especially now that my daughter is now a teenager. The worries increased ten-fold and the future is hazy.

This blog is about us - "The Only Parent". This blog is for all the worries, the decisions we have to make, the happy moments, the rants, and everything in between.

Long live THE ONLY PARENT.


Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)