We Can Do It!

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I have been the only parent to my now 15 year old daughter for more than 13 years. It was a choice not to pursue my relationship with the dad knowing that it would take us nowhere. With this blog, I want to empower solo parents in their journey to independence. BUT don't get me wrong. I am not advocating divorce, annulment or separation. This blog is all about arming solo parents in their journey to solo parenting. There is no substitute for a "loving 2-parent family", however, we could not ignore the fact that more and more families are on their way to being separated. And The Only Parent is my way of saying - "WE CAN DO IT!"

So from this blog entry onwards, the "WE CAN DO IT" attitude will be front and center in all the articles I will be writing. Feel free to post your questions, problems and queries. I will try to reply the soonest possible time. 

As of today, I only have one social media site. Please follow me on twitter @TheOnlyParent4U

Much Love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P)

Alone and Free

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I am 40 years old, single and the only parent to my 15 year old daughter. My mom still wishes me to marry. My friends still teases me from time to time about finding the one and no one wants to believe that I am happy by being single. BUT I AM!!! I am happy without having someone beside me. I am happy being free. I have tried living with a guy but looking back, I don't think I can do it anymore. It's just too much for me. 

Or maybe, I am getting old. I don't want to start over again and build a relationship. Maybe I was just too wounded the first time and I don't want to test the waters again. I really don't know what my reasons are but what I know for sure is that I am not the marrying type. I am not a wife material. I like my freedom. I like doing things without having to ask permission. I want to live life the way I want to. 

So, does it make me pitiful? Of course not. Most single/solo parents dreams of finding the right one for them after one or a few failed relationships. They can't be alone. I respect that but please don't do it just because you want someone to be with you. Use your head the next time. Be smart about it. And for those like me who enjoy freedom more, CHEERS!!! We are living the good life!

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Do Not Be Afraid

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I wanted to write this post when I heard over the radio about a woman whose husband, a police officer, was killed in the line of duty. She is afraid that her children will now grow up without the support and guidance of their father. I sympathize with this woman but I want all my readers to know that if you are in the same situation, Do Not Be Afraid. Losing the father of your children whatever the circumstance will not make your children less of a man or a woman. 

The manner in which a child becomes fatherless will make a huge impact but it will not hinder them from growing up right with the proper guidance and support. It will not be the end of the world for them and nothing will stop them from pursuing their dreams. Remember that there are families in the same situation yet they all survive the daily grinds of life.

The most important thing that an only parent must do is to keep calm and assess the situation. There can be instances when you think that a situation is hopeless without the other parent but believe me when I say that nothing is hopeless. You just need to know what your priorities are and you will be surprised how other people adapt to your situation. Do Not Be Afraid to face life head on and you will be amaze how you will come out of it. 

Much love.

The Only Parent (TOP)

TEEEEENAGERS!!!

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I have a 15 year old at home and I don't know what to do. Well, I'm sure most of you who have teenagers are in the same boat as I am. Teenagers for moms are the hardest to understand. They can be talkative one day and clam up the next day. Talking to them is like talking to the wall. You don't get any reply and if you do, you can only hear a grunt which may mean yes or no. There are days when they don't want to come out of their room and lay in bed the whole day and there are times that they want to go out with their friends everyday as if they don't see enough of them in school. 

So what do we do? The truth is I don't know. But I can give you a few pointers that I have tried. For starters, when I see her at home, I'll greet her and see if her tone is a "don't talk to me" tone. If it is, I leave her alone and only call her to eat or if I have something important to tell her. If she is in a good mood, then, I encourage her to tell me how her day went and what she did that day or we just talk about anything or anyone she wants. However, I don't tolerate this behavior for more than 2 days at a time. I respect her moods but I don't tolerate it. After several run-ins with her when she was just starting to have her "moods", she now knows when to come down from it and talk to me.

Now let me tell you how I don't ruin her day. I try to adjust to her moods because I don't want any conflicts with her. REMEMBER that you have to respect them but don't let them abuse your tolerance. 

-We are not morning people so my daughter is the same. I wake her up for school but as much as possible, I don't talk to her while she does her morning routine. 

-When I hear a grunt reply on a question, it would mean she's not in the talking mode so I leave her alone for the moment. 

-When it's the time of the month she gets her period and  feels pain and just wants to lie in bed the whole day. I know this feeling so I leave her alone.

Hope this helps you understand your teenagers more.

Much Love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

The Perks of Being The Only Parent

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Perks? Yes! You read it right. Being the only parent is not all about problems, expenses, stress, etc... Here are some of the perks:
1. My child, my rules (just me)
2. No need to seek permission to do what I want to do
3. I only need to take care of my child and that's it
4. Waking up a little late on weekends is love (because you don't need to wake up to fix breakfast for another person)
5. No chumming up with the in-laws
6. No excuse needed when going home late.
7. Compromising on wants, needs, and schedules is a thing of the past.
8. You can wear anything you like!

See? I told you. The perks more than make up for the disadvantages!

Carpe Diem!


Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Time Management

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Recently, I had to adjust my life because of some unforeseen problems. I used to just go to work and not worry what my daughter will eat when she comes home from school and what to eat for dinner. But then, there are times when you just have to do what you gotta do. 

So now, I am being a little domesticated which I really hate but since I have no choice I need to start doing things I have no idea how to. Maybe it's about time to learn.

I am NOT telling you all these because I am complaining. I am telling you all of these because it is possible to do all these with time management. For only parents, single moms, solo parents or whatever you call it, IT IS POSSIBLE to do everything with a little support and lots of patience. 

You can do it MOM! 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Child Support

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I know that every solo parent has their own opinion about this but I will still share my view on this matter. My blog is The Only Parent meaning I don't receive anything from the father for her daughter. I don't get child support.. I know I have the right to ask but I don't want to. Why? Because I believe that if the father is in his right mind, I don't need to ask. Simple as that. Asking is like begging someone to do something they don't want to. I may not afford everything my daughter needs but I will never ever ask for support from her dad ever. You might think that because I have only one child, I can afford not to ask for child support. Well, that is partially true. If I have 3 or 4 children, I may think about it BUT if I can, I will still not ask.

I believe that child support should be given without you needing to ask and without you having to file a case. Child support is a must. Fathers who take their children seriously should know that it is their responsibility to give their child the support they need in whatever kind. If they can't support their children, then they have no right to be included in their children's lives. 

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

My Child, My Rules

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Never ever let anyone tell you how to raise your own kids. This is what I learned for the past 14 years of being the only parent to my daughter. Notice how people always have an opinion on how you handle and raise your kids? They are quick to criticize and talk about what you are doing wrong. Guess what?! They don't have perfect children! Their children are no better than yours. 

When I gave birth to my daughter, I always asked for help since I have no idea what I was doing. I listen to their tips but somehow I tend to not follow what they tell me. I don't know why but my "mother's instinct" kicked in as soon as I had her. I do everything my own way except for some things that I thought sounds realistic. When someone is quick to find fault, I prove them wrong and eventually no one tells me what to do anymore unless I ask.

As my daughter grew up, questions on how I raise my daughter often comes up. They would question my decisions on how I deal with her, how I "spoil" her, why I often let her do what she wants and why I almost always buy her what she wants if budget permits. Well, you can question all you want but please know that how I raise my child is of no consequence to you. If I did wrong, then I will suffer for it and learn more along the way. If I am right, then I am happy. Simple as that. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Needs and Wants

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Here is something that will make you think from time to time. When our children were little, it is us who decides the needs and the wants. As they grow older, they would sometime ask for things that they want. It may be the latest gadget, the fashionable clothes and the trendy bags. As the only parent, you may not be in the best position to give everything they need and want. But hey, don't be guilty about it. It is important that you try your best to give the needs and explain to your children the concept of want. Believe me when I say that they will understand as long as you explain them over and over again why they can't always have what they want. You can also use this time to teach them the concept of money - how you can earn, save and spend them. 

Make every problem solving situation a learning experience. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Past, Present and Future

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By now, you should have let go of the past because we all know that we cannot do anything about it anymore. The present is more important as you want  to do the best that you can to nurture and bring up your child in a loving environment. While you are planning the things you have to do today, do not forget to plan ahead and make sure that the future of your children is secured. But how do we do that?

Right now, I am worried. Yes, you heard me right. I am worried for the future of my daughter. She is now in high school and every tuition payment day, I find myself worrying more and more. I am afraid that I would not be able to pay the school's tuition on time. This has been a constant worry that I have to endure every school year. Hearing that college tuition fees are more than double what I pay today, I am starting to get scared. My salary is still not enough for us to live comfortably and yet, everyday of my life, I worry about not being able to pay my bills and not having enough for life's necessities. 

Today is one of those days. My daughter is now in Grade 8 and 4 more years, she'll be in college. By that time, I should have at least saved for 2 years of college fees. Although I still don't know how I will do that, I'll stay positive and pray that when the time comes, I will be able to provide for my daughter's education...

Until then... I will just save and save and save...

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Decisions for Life

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Making decisions regarding your child/children can be hard at times when you are the only parent. It can be a hit or miss thing but you have to be tough and decide according to your conscience. You will not be able to consult a significant other when the time comes but hey, if you are friends with the dad, go ahead and discuss things with him first before deciding. 

Me, I decide and tell the dad after. LOL! It may seem funny but I think that it is my right to decide for our daughter since I am the only one caring for her. I make the decisions and I just tell the dad if I want to. Otherwise, I am pretty much confident that I'll make the right ones for my daughter.

Much Love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

The Teenage Years

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The hardest part of being the only parent to your children is maintaining a balance in your relationship. Their is no good cop/bad cop here. It's either they love you or they hate you. My 14 year old daughter is now in a stage where she doesn't talk much. She spends her time mostly in front of her laptop watching videos, tweeting and updating all her social networking accounts. Most of the time, she will only talk to me when she needs something. So what do I do?

Nothing really. I let her be as long as she doesn't step out of boundaries. It is important to let her know when I can be a friend and when I am the mom. I am thankful that I had a daughter because if I had a boy, I wouldn't know what to do. In the meantime, all I have to do right now is to make sure that she knows her limits and I have to snoop once in a while just to check if everything is alright with her.

I wouldn't know if circumstances will be different if her father is a constant figure in her life. However, since he is not, then all I can do is to try my very best to be both the dad and the mom - plus the driver, the nanny at times and a friend...

Much love, 

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Glad to Have Let Go

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Another year have passed and my daughter just turned 14. So what did her dad do? Well, he grabbed photos from my FB account, posted it on his to greet his daughter a happy birthday. That's about it! Nothing really change from past years.

Should I be bitter about it? NO! A big NO! Why? Because it really don't matter to us now. The thing about being the only parent is that you don't need to rely on a partner to make your child happy. Your child or children on the other hand doesn't need a father to be loved. I am lucky because my daughter is surrounded by people who love her. I have my parents, my siblings and my friends who make sure that she gets lots of love and affection. And my daughter is lucky to have all of these.

So please, do not worry about your child's future even if a dad is not around. It will be hard at first but as time passes, you will be glad to have let go.


Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Enjoying the Holidays and other Occasions

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Okay. So there are occasions where a father present can make your child happy. Aside from the usual holidays like Christmas and New Year, you have to deal with Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, Graduation and Family Day in school. So what do you do? 

If you are on speaking terms with EX, you can tell him about these occasions. Normally, the school will give a calendar of activities the first month school starts. What I do is text EX all the dates that require parent participation. Then, I just let him decide if he wants to go or not. The most I can do is inform him lest he accuse me of not letting him be involve in his child's life. 

Now, if the father of your child is non-existent, make sure that you are present in all events and occasions where your presence is needed. You can bring grandparents, uncles, aunts and whoever your child sees often. This will make your child feel important and more secure during these times. When you are surrounded with family, there is no reason for you and your child to feel left out. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Family

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If you and your ex are not together, it doesn't mean that your child has no family. Please drill that into your mind and your child's mind everyday. A family is not the presence of a father and a mother. Family is when you are surrounded with people you love and loves you back. It is important to explain this to your child because when your child goes to school, it is most probable that he/she will be taught the concept of a family with the father, mother and siblings. We will not be able to contradict this once they are taught so it is advisable to explain this family thing with them before they go to school. They dynamics of a "family" is changing and it is up to you to face this head on and be the first one to embrace it. 

My daughter is not without a father because she still sees him from time to time. But the family she grew up with includes her grandparents, uncles and aunts, my friends who knew and took care of her since she was born and people who I became friends along the way. They more than make up for the fatherless situation that she is in right now. And the fact is, she is still normal. More than I can say for other families who cannot embrace being the only parent.

Much love, 

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Surnames

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One of the most common question I hear is "What surname should my child use?" The truth is, it doesn't really matter. Using your surname is fine. Using the EX's surname is fine too. Please don't believe that a child without his dad's surname is shameful. IT IS NOT! There are a lot of students with married parents who are separated or are just living in a hateful relationship. The most important thing is that your child is living in a peaceful and loving environment. A child can grow up secured knowing that he/she has a family behind him/her. It can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and godparents. Surnames are just for formality. It is better for a child to have a name backed by love and support rather than a name which would mean nothing to him all his life. 

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Life Goes On

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When you are pregnant and a life with your sperm donor (SD) is looking bleak, there is a good chance that you will be scared for you and your child's future. I AGREE! It is definitely a concern to all those who are left alone pregnant blues and all. I, too, felt that way during my pregnancy and even after giving birth. You want to work things out with your SD so you can have a happy family. I tried that too but failed. You see, I am not a domesticated person. Never been on and will never be. During those times I have to live with my ex after giving birth, I tried house cleaning, laundry, ironing, mopping and even cooking. I haven't done these things all my 25 years of existence during that time but I tried. I really, really tried. But these things are not supposed to happen. I changed for what I thought was for the better but when a person doesn't really love you, all the time and effort you are giving will not be worth it. So SHIT HAPPENS, so what do you do then?

Me? I left! Yes I left. I don't see our future with him so I left. We were not married and I have the luxury to just pack up and leave. Come to think of it, even if we were married, I would have done the same thing. I would just leave if we were not on the same maturity level. Being in love at that time clouded my better judgement. I went crazy for a while there but all the craziness stopped once I knew that it was not the life I wanted for me and my daughter. 

So why am I saying all these? Because I want you to know that it is okay to give up. If you are currently in a situation where you are undecided, please know that if you want to leave, just do it. Everything will work out just fine. Don't suffer with the pain. Let it all go and one day, you will just look back and say - I'm glad I left!.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Follow me on twitter : @TheOnlyParent4U

The Only Parent 4 U

I like reading forums where solo moms here in the Philippines are seeking advice for different problems that they are encountering. As being the only parent for more than 12 years already, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the issues they have. The truth is, most of their problems stems from their insecurities, from the little hope they have to be reunited with their significant other and for the fears that they shouldn't feel at all. Don't get me wrong, I may have thought about those things before but I already made the big leap years ago by facing problems head on. I don't stress myself thinking of the ifs, buts, and whys. I just do the best I can to make sure that my daughter will grow up not noticing the gap in her life.

Okay let me warn all my readers. I am a bitch when it comes to being direct. Do know that I don't like beating around the bush. I like being direct sometimes to the point of being tactless and bitchy. Please don't let it affect you especially when you are seeking answers to your questions. You don't need to follow what I say but in the future, if you decide to listen to me, then go for it. I may not know everything about being the only parent but rest assured that I know lots.

Much Love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)


follow me on twitter : @TheOnlyParent4U

The Only Parent

I have been the only parent for the past 12 years to my soon-to-be 14 year old daughter. I used to call myself a single mom but an article i chanced upon made me realize that the "better" term for me is The Only Parent.

Being the only parent means that I do not share any responsibility with the father of my child. I am the only one who chooses, decides and plans for my daughter's life and I am the only one who satisfies her wants and needs. The father is around but is not being a dad to our daughter. I must admit that this is a difficult life to live especially now that my daughter is now a teenager. The worries increased ten-fold and the future is hazy.

This blog is about us - "The Only Parent". This blog is for all the worries, the decisions we have to make, the happy moments, the rants, and everything in between.

Long live THE ONLY PARENT.


Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)