Alone and Free

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I am 40 years old, single and the only parent to my 15 year old daughter. My mom still wishes me to marry. My friends still teases me from time to time about finding the one and no one wants to believe that I am happy by being single. BUT I AM!!! I am happy without having someone beside me. I am happy being free. I have tried living with a guy but looking back, I don't think I can do it anymore. It's just too much for me. 

Or maybe, I am getting old. I don't want to start over again and build a relationship. Maybe I was just too wounded the first time and I don't want to test the waters again. I really don't know what my reasons are but what I know for sure is that I am not the marrying type. I am not a wife material. I like my freedom. I like doing things without having to ask permission. I want to live life the way I want to. 

So, does it make me pitiful? Of course not. Most single/solo parents dreams of finding the right one for them after one or a few failed relationships. They can't be alone. I respect that but please don't do it just because you want someone to be with you. Use your head the next time. Be smart about it. And for those like me who enjoy freedom more, CHEERS!!! We are living the good life!

Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Couples Night Out? Oh no, I am single!

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 I haven't posted for quite a while now because, well, an only parent is always busy... So, I decided to write another entry now because of an incident a few days ago between us friends. Our group is composed of high school friends (more than 20 years of friendship) and we have this chat group where we always plan our dinners and get-together which is not as often as we want to. Since everyone already have their own family, a dinner date is hard to set. Last week, we were planning a dinner date again when somebody asked if we were going to bring the children or not. Then another friend wrote almost immediately - "Couples only" and then after a few seconds, typed "sorry".

Obviously, the sorry was for me since I am the only one without a partner in the group. I was not offended because I knew that she really didn't meant what she said. It was not an insult to me and I knew she only meant that only adults will go. She kept on apologizing even if she knew that it was alright for me. I have nothing against her and I didn't made a fuss about it.

So what's my point in this story? Well, please don't pity yourself when couple friends go out together. You don't need to be there and let us just respect them if they want to go out with other couples. Not going with them doesn't mean you can't have a good time. It only means that they want to enjoy their spouses without any odd man out. You can also have a date night with your kids and it will be as fun as any couples night. And it can turn out to be a great bonding night with your kids.


Much love,

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Friends?

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Can you be friends with your ex? If you asked me 5 years ago, I would have said no or even impossible. But as the years go by, and you have really moved on, you can actually be friends with you ex. You may never forget the reason why it didn't work but little by little, you can erase the hate and maybe, just maybe, you can forgive each other and be friends.

If you are fresh out of a failed relationship, you may not entertain this thought. I know how you feel. I won't even consider talking to my ex before. These things take time and you don't have to rush yourself. You can be civil at first then gradually when it doesn't hurt anymore, you can slowly be friends again. 

Much love, 

The Only Parent (T.O.P.)

Glad to Have Let Go

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Another year have passed and my daughter just turned 14. So what did her dad do? Well, he grabbed photos from my FB account, posted it on his to greet his daughter a happy birthday. That's about it! Nothing really change from past years.

Should I be bitter about it? NO! A big NO! Why? Because it really don't matter to us now. The thing about being the only parent is that you don't need to rely on a partner to make your child happy. Your child or children on the other hand doesn't need a father to be loved. I am lucky because my daughter is surrounded by people who love her. I have my parents, my siblings and my friends who make sure that she gets lots of love and affection. And my daughter is lucky to have all of these.

So please, do not worry about your child's future even if a dad is not around. It will be hard at first but as time passes, you will be glad to have let go.


Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Knowing the Dad

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Not letting your children know their father is a no-no for me. A bad relationship with your EX does not justify letting your child grow not knowing their dad. Except of course if the father is the one who doesn't want to know his child. That is another story to deal with. 

Obviously I am not married. EX signed my daughter's birth certificate acknowledging the fact that he is the father. My daughter knows everything about her dad and I let her choose if she wants to go out with him or not (Fortunately, she doesn't). The dad on the other hand is also not keen on looking after her. He just ask about her from time to time and see her thrice a year the most. But life goes on for us. No hard feelings and the family ties are still there. 

So let me spell it out for you. Let your child choose once he/she is of age already. By 3 or 4 years old, a child can understand things already. You need not fear what might happen if they see their dad or what-not. There is no reason for you to bad mouth their father, no reason to not let them know their father and no reason for you to let their father be a dad to your child. BUT if the father don't want to know their children, please don't force the issue. It will not be worth it. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Dealing with School Children

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Now that we are done with the issue on surnames, we now tackle the issue on schooling. Here is the thing - please don't beg for financial support from your EX. If your EX is really a good dad, he already knows what he should do. If he doesn't do anything, it is telling you that he really don't want to be a dad to his child. Don't stoop down to his level and beg. Please don't...

If you cannot afford to enroll your child in a reputable, expensive school, then go for a school that you can.afford. There is no need to go high and mighty and enroll them in a school which will give you headaches when tuition time comes. You need to be realistic and carefully choose the right school. There are a lot of things you need to consider. What you can do is list down the schools closest to where you live. Then you need to know who will bring your child to school and who will fetch him/her after. Then consider the tuition fee.

Another important thing to consider are school activities. This is important because you want to be there for programs, PTCs, sports fest and others. Save your office SL's and VL's for these events. I work for a small company where leaves are non existent so what I did during the hiring process is to tell them straight that I have to take a leave every time I am needed at my daughter's school. It was the only request I made when I accepted the job. It was really non-negotiable for me because I know that I am the only one who can attend the activities.

In school, you will meet a lot of co-parents. Don't be embarrass to say that you are the only parent involved in the life of your child. Your situation doesn't define you as a person. And the truth is, they wouldn't really care if they want to be friends with you. In fact, you should be proud because you can bring up your child all on your own. Here's a little secret - a number of parents you see have bigger problems to deal with compared to you. :) Most are separated and are together just for the show.

In summary, DON'T beg, DON'T pick a school you can't afford, DON'T be embarrassed with your situation.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Surnames

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One of the most common question I hear is "What surname should my child use?" The truth is, it doesn't really matter. Using your surname is fine. Using the EX's surname is fine too. Please don't believe that a child without his dad's surname is shameful. IT IS NOT! There are a lot of students with married parents who are separated or are just living in a hateful relationship. The most important thing is that your child is living in a peaceful and loving environment. A child can grow up secured knowing that he/she has a family behind him/her. It can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and godparents. Surnames are just for formality. It is better for a child to have a name backed by love and support rather than a name which would mean nothing to him all his life. 

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Moving On

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Moving on is the hardest part when dealing with a failed relationship. There are three stages where the relationship with your EX can end - confirmation of the pregnancy, during the pregnancy and after giving birth. Mine came 2 years after giving birth. All these stages albeit can trigger different feelings will end the same - you are left to be the only parent. And that is what you should be ready for. 

My failed relationship was doomed from the start. It was what you call Love is (really) Blind. You know that it is not the right kind of relationship but you just want to be in it. Two years after giving birth, I finally gave up. I packed our bags and left. The next six months was a roller coaster ride. It was emotionally exhausting. But come to think of it, the time we had a relationship was even worse for me emotionally. It was a draining experience that I would never, ever want to go through again. It is without a doubt the most depressing stage in my life. So how did I move on? I just did! I let myself go through the process of healing. This is the most important stage to be able to get up again and move on;. You have to let yourself heal by going through the difficult process of crying, feeling awful, hoping, and finally giving up. 

It can be difficult especially at night when sleep is hard to come by. Books were my escape. I dig through all the books I had before and read every night until I fall asleep. I did this for 6 long months until 1 day, I felt good and was ready to move on. But don't get frustrated if it takes you longer. We are designed differently and I cannot tell you how long your healing process will be. All you need to do is take one day at a time until finally you will be able to move on and the hurting stops. 

Much love, 

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

The Only Parent 4 U

I like reading forums where solo moms here in the Philippines are seeking advice for different problems that they are encountering. As being the only parent for more than 12 years already, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the issues they have. The truth is, most of their problems stems from their insecurities, from the little hope they have to be reunited with their significant other and for the fears that they shouldn't feel at all. Don't get me wrong, I may have thought about those things before but I already made the big leap years ago by facing problems head on. I don't stress myself thinking of the ifs, buts, and whys. I just do the best I can to make sure that my daughter will grow up not noticing the gap in her life.

Okay let me warn all my readers. I am a bitch when it comes to being direct. Do know that I don't like beating around the bush. I like being direct sometimes to the point of being tactless and bitchy. Please don't let it affect you especially when you are seeking answers to your questions. You don't need to follow what I say but in the future, if you decide to listen to me, then go for it. I may not know everything about being the only parent but rest assured that I know lots.

Much Love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)


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The Only Parent

I have been the only parent for the past 12 years to my soon-to-be 14 year old daughter. I used to call myself a single mom but an article i chanced upon made me realize that the "better" term for me is The Only Parent.

Being the only parent means that I do not share any responsibility with the father of my child. I am the only one who chooses, decides and plans for my daughter's life and I am the only one who satisfies her wants and needs. The father is around but is not being a dad to our daughter. I must admit that this is a difficult life to live especially now that my daughter is now a teenager. The worries increased ten-fold and the future is hazy.

This blog is about us - "The Only Parent". This blog is for all the worries, the decisions we have to make, the happy moments, the rants, and everything in between.

Long live THE ONLY PARENT.


Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)