Enjoying the Holidays and other Occasions

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Okay. So there are occasions where a father present can make your child happy. Aside from the usual holidays like Christmas and New Year, you have to deal with Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, Graduation and Family Day in school. So what do you do? 

If you are on speaking terms with EX, you can tell him about these occasions. Normally, the school will give a calendar of activities the first month school starts. What I do is text EX all the dates that require parent participation. Then, I just let him decide if he wants to go or not. The most I can do is inform him lest he accuse me of not letting him be involve in his child's life. 

Now, if the father of your child is non-existent, make sure that you are present in all events and occasions where your presence is needed. You can bring grandparents, uncles, aunts and whoever your child sees often. This will make your child feel important and more secure during these times. When you are surrounded with family, there is no reason for you and your child to feel left out. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Dealing with Almost In-Laws

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A bad relationship with your EX doesn't give you the right to snub the almost in-laws. Unless of course they treat you like shit! Almost in-laws can be your ally in anything. You should treat them like family. If they are treating you and your child well, there is no reason for you not to be friendly with them. 

I am lucky since my EX's family treat me like their own. They invite me and my daughter to reunions and other family events. EX's circle of friends are the same. They treat us like family and we are always invited in every party they have. It helps to be friends with them early on. The relationship I have with the almost in-laws and EX's circle of friends does not rely on my relationship with EX. Whether he is there during reunions or not, it does not define our presence. 

As long as the almost in-laws treat you well, treat them as family. You will be glad you did.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Family

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If you and your ex are not together, it doesn't mean that your child has no family. Please drill that into your mind and your child's mind everyday. A family is not the presence of a father and a mother. Family is when you are surrounded with people you love and loves you back. It is important to explain this to your child because when your child goes to school, it is most probable that he/she will be taught the concept of a family with the father, mother and siblings. We will not be able to contradict this once they are taught so it is advisable to explain this family thing with them before they go to school. They dynamics of a "family" is changing and it is up to you to face this head on and be the first one to embrace it. 

My daughter is not without a father because she still sees him from time to time. But the family she grew up with includes her grandparents, uncles and aunts, my friends who knew and took care of her since she was born and people who I became friends along the way. They more than make up for the fatherless situation that she is in right now. And the fact is, she is still normal. More than I can say for other families who cannot embrace being the only parent.

Much love, 

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Children as Weapons

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Stop using children as weapons! The message above says it all. Do not abuse your child by using them to get back at your ex. Do not use them as threats when you and your ex do not agree on things. It is never wise to make them your weapon to get what you want. Not even when you are hurting so much that your heart seems to be breaking piece by piece. 

It is not worth the anger and it is not worth the stress. No matter how old your child grew, do not use him/her to get back at your SD. When they can think on their own, they could decide if they want to be with you or with their dad. The wisest thing to do is to be honest to them and make them feel that they can still have a family even without their dad. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Knowing the Dad

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Not letting your children know their father is a no-no for me. A bad relationship with your EX does not justify letting your child grow not knowing their dad. Except of course if the father is the one who doesn't want to know his child. That is another story to deal with. 

Obviously I am not married. EX signed my daughter's birth certificate acknowledging the fact that he is the father. My daughter knows everything about her dad and I let her choose if she wants to go out with him or not (Fortunately, she doesn't). The dad on the other hand is also not keen on looking after her. He just ask about her from time to time and see her thrice a year the most. But life goes on for us. No hard feelings and the family ties are still there. 

So let me spell it out for you. Let your child choose once he/she is of age already. By 3 or 4 years old, a child can understand things already. You need not fear what might happen if they see their dad or what-not. There is no reason for you to bad mouth their father, no reason to not let them know their father and no reason for you to let their father be a dad to your child. BUT if the father don't want to know their children, please don't force the issue. It will not be worth it. 

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Honesty is Still the Best Policy

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One thing I never did was to lie to my daughter about the true status of our relationship with his dad. Even when she was little and cannot seem to understand, I still told her the truth. It was a non-negotiable must do for me. However, even if I told her the truth, one thing I never did was to belittle her father. There is a thin line that separates the two so you must be very careful with your words. I will give you an example so you can better understand. 

Scenario: 

Dad doesn't give support and the reason for your separation is because of his womanizing. 

What you can tell your child: 

We separated because of a third party and his work doesn't pay much for him to support you and your needs.  

What you shouldn't tell your child:

Your dad is a womanizing s*** and he won't give a dime to support you. He doesn't care for you anymore.

See the difference? No matter what happened between you and your EX, the fact remains that your EX is still your child's dad. You cannot take that away and you should never do. It is for your child to judge when the right time comes. (but remember, it is also okay to burst with anger once in a while). The truth is you can never have a child if your EX does not exist right?!?

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

twitter: @theonlyparent4u

Dealing with School Children

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Now that we are done with the issue on surnames, we now tackle the issue on schooling. Here is the thing - please don't beg for financial support from your EX. If your EX is really a good dad, he already knows what he should do. If he doesn't do anything, it is telling you that he really don't want to be a dad to his child. Don't stoop down to his level and beg. Please don't...

If you cannot afford to enroll your child in a reputable, expensive school, then go for a school that you can.afford. There is no need to go high and mighty and enroll them in a school which will give you headaches when tuition time comes. You need to be realistic and carefully choose the right school. There are a lot of things you need to consider. What you can do is list down the schools closest to where you live. Then you need to know who will bring your child to school and who will fetch him/her after. Then consider the tuition fee.

Another important thing to consider are school activities. This is important because you want to be there for programs, PTCs, sports fest and others. Save your office SL's and VL's for these events. I work for a small company where leaves are non existent so what I did during the hiring process is to tell them straight that I have to take a leave every time I am needed at my daughter's school. It was the only request I made when I accepted the job. It was really non-negotiable for me because I know that I am the only one who can attend the activities.

In school, you will meet a lot of co-parents. Don't be embarrass to say that you are the only parent involved in the life of your child. Your situation doesn't define you as a person. And the truth is, they wouldn't really care if they want to be friends with you. In fact, you should be proud because you can bring up your child all on your own. Here's a little secret - a number of parents you see have bigger problems to deal with compared to you. :) Most are separated and are together just for the show.

In summary, DON'T beg, DON'T pick a school you can't afford, DON'T be embarrassed with your situation.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Surnames

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One of the most common question I hear is "What surname should my child use?" The truth is, it doesn't really matter. Using your surname is fine. Using the EX's surname is fine too. Please don't believe that a child without his dad's surname is shameful. IT IS NOT! There are a lot of students with married parents who are separated or are just living in a hateful relationship. The most important thing is that your child is living in a peaceful and loving environment. A child can grow up secured knowing that he/she has a family behind him/her. It can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and godparents. Surnames are just for formality. It is better for a child to have a name backed by love and support rather than a name which would mean nothing to him all his life. 

Much love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)

Moving On

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Moving on is the hardest part when dealing with a failed relationship. There are three stages where the relationship with your EX can end - confirmation of the pregnancy, during the pregnancy and after giving birth. Mine came 2 years after giving birth. All these stages albeit can trigger different feelings will end the same - you are left to be the only parent. And that is what you should be ready for. 

My failed relationship was doomed from the start. It was what you call Love is (really) Blind. You know that it is not the right kind of relationship but you just want to be in it. Two years after giving birth, I finally gave up. I packed our bags and left. The next six months was a roller coaster ride. It was emotionally exhausting. But come to think of it, the time we had a relationship was even worse for me emotionally. It was a draining experience that I would never, ever want to go through again. It is without a doubt the most depressing stage in my life. So how did I move on? I just did! I let myself go through the process of healing. This is the most important stage to be able to get up again and move on;. You have to let yourself heal by going through the difficult process of crying, feeling awful, hoping, and finally giving up. 

It can be difficult especially at night when sleep is hard to come by. Books were my escape. I dig through all the books I had before and read every night until I fall asleep. I did this for 6 long months until 1 day, I felt good and was ready to move on. But don't get frustrated if it takes you longer. We are designed differently and I cannot tell you how long your healing process will be. All you need to do is take one day at a time until finally you will be able to move on and the hurting stops. 

Much love, 

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Life Goes On

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When you are pregnant and a life with your sperm donor (SD) is looking bleak, there is a good chance that you will be scared for you and your child's future. I AGREE! It is definitely a concern to all those who are left alone pregnant blues and all. I, too, felt that way during my pregnancy and even after giving birth. You want to work things out with your SD so you can have a happy family. I tried that too but failed. You see, I am not a domesticated person. Never been on and will never be. During those times I have to live with my ex after giving birth, I tried house cleaning, laundry, ironing, mopping and even cooking. I haven't done these things all my 25 years of existence during that time but I tried. I really, really tried. But these things are not supposed to happen. I changed for what I thought was for the better but when a person doesn't really love you, all the time and effort you are giving will not be worth it. So SHIT HAPPENS, so what do you do then?

Me? I left! Yes I left. I don't see our future with him so I left. We were not married and I have the luxury to just pack up and leave. Come to think of it, even if we were married, I would have done the same thing. I would just leave if we were not on the same maturity level. Being in love at that time clouded my better judgement. I went crazy for a while there but all the craziness stopped once I knew that it was not the life I wanted for me and my daughter. 

So why am I saying all these? Because I want you to know that it is okay to give up. If you are currently in a situation where you are undecided, please know that if you want to leave, just do it. Everything will work out just fine. Don't suffer with the pain. Let it all go and one day, you will just look back and say - I'm glad I left!.

Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)

Follow me on twitter : @TheOnlyParent4U

The Only Parent 4 U

I like reading forums where solo moms here in the Philippines are seeking advice for different problems that they are encountering. As being the only parent for more than 12 years already, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the issues they have. The truth is, most of their problems stems from their insecurities, from the little hope they have to be reunited with their significant other and for the fears that they shouldn't feel at all. Don't get me wrong, I may have thought about those things before but I already made the big leap years ago by facing problems head on. I don't stress myself thinking of the ifs, buts, and whys. I just do the best I can to make sure that my daughter will grow up not noticing the gap in her life.

Okay let me warn all my readers. I am a bitch when it comes to being direct. Do know that I don't like beating around the bush. I like being direct sometimes to the point of being tactless and bitchy. Please don't let it affect you especially when you are seeking answers to your questions. You don't need to follow what I say but in the future, if you decide to listen to me, then go for it. I may not know everything about being the only parent but rest assured that I know lots.

Much Love,

T.O.P (The Only Parent)


follow me on twitter : @TheOnlyParent4U

The Only Parent

I have been the only parent for the past 12 years to my soon-to-be 14 year old daughter. I used to call myself a single mom but an article i chanced upon made me realize that the "better" term for me is The Only Parent.

Being the only parent means that I do not share any responsibility with the father of my child. I am the only one who chooses, decides and plans for my daughter's life and I am the only one who satisfies her wants and needs. The father is around but is not being a dad to our daughter. I must admit that this is a difficult life to live especially now that my daughter is now a teenager. The worries increased ten-fold and the future is hazy.

This blog is about us - "The Only Parent". This blog is for all the worries, the decisions we have to make, the happy moments, the rants, and everything in between.

Long live THE ONLY PARENT.


Much love,

T.O.P. (The Only Parent)